I don’t want to hear a word about how “long ago” my last newsletter came out, okay? I know my faults.
Let’s get to business.
The trailer for the new Rom Com “The Idea of You” is out and producer/star Anne Hathaway is absolutely stomping the press circuit. The film, based on the novel by Robinne Lee, features Red White and Royal Blue hunk Nicholas Galitzine (who has also been press cycling his ass off) as a tattoo-laden, boy-bander, cutie-Brit named Hayes Campbell.
The character, also known for dating older women, is undoubtedly inspired by one Mr. Harold Edward Styles.
Is ‘The Idea of You” the first movie to have a lead character shamelessly based on Mr. Styles? No. This *flips slide* is what I’ve come here today to speak to you about, folks.
There are, unfortunately, FIVE that came before; the extremely cursed “After” movies. You may have seen them on Netflix under the category “They made.. 5 of these?”
The “After” series is based on fanfiction about a young woman who starts dating a tattooed man with the initials “HS.” The similarities to Harry stop there, and there are literally five of them. During the pandemic, when we all collectively lost our minds, I watched the first one. I then forced my best friend Jaime to watch it and we proceeded to watch each new release over the next few years. The fact that there is an “After” movie in existence for each year since the pandemic….I’m not SAYING they caused the pandemic…. but I am saying the two really go together in my head.
Before “The Idea of You” is officially released, I thought it would be helpful to give you a ranking of the films that crawled so it could run. Upon beginning my ranking, I realized that I did not remember much about them, and I should probably rewatch and these plotless sex films. I consulted the only other adult person I know who has seen all five and we decided collectively that there is absolutely no way we are going to do that.
So in collaboration with Jaime Lamchick, here is a definitive ranking of the After movies from memory:
After We Collided - 2020
Ariel: This is the only one I immediately knew where to place: it has to go first. If Dylan Sprouse could be in all five of these movies, they’d be much better. Hero Fiennes-Tiffin, as Hardin Scott, yells “FOOKIN’ TREVOR” in a way that no one has ever performed a line before. This is the only movie in the series that has a sense of humor and it comes mainly from Sprouse who is a pro.
Jaime: Ohhh man. What’s not to love about this movie? Honestly the worst thing about it is that it shows us how fun this whole series could have been in an alternate universe, if the team was brave enough to go full camp with it. The sex scenes are over the top, the actors never have better chemistry or seem to be having more fun, the 50 Shades Jr. capitalism fantasy is in full force (I’m sorry, your boss bought you a cocktail dress to wear to a nightclub on day two of your internship??), the list goes on and on. AND THE CLIFFHANGER ENDING!!! This movie makes me scream-laugh every time I watch it and is the only one I’d probably actually recommend to a friend.
After - 2019
Jaime: The one that unfortunately started it all. This movie seems to hew the closest to the source material (I’m…guessing, by the sheer number of fanfic tropes it comprises), and I have to respect it for that. A fun game you can play while watching is figuring out which flat male character is supposed to be which other 1D member - the first letters of their names are meant to be a clue, but the resemblances, both physical and in personality, are nonexistent. Our Lady of Getting it Done Selma Blair plays the meanest mom who’s ever lived, there is an off-campus housing situation that should have gotten everyone expelled, there are so many unearned Wuthering Heights references you’ll wish you were dead on the fucking moors. Also, you know that girl who appears in movies like this who is like - unbelievably gorgeous and just the biggest bitch in American history, because the only way some young writers know how to illustrate the worth of their young heroine is to give her an unreasonably horrible foil who hates her for absolutely no reason? This movie has one of those. Her name is Molly, she understands the assignment, and I wish the whole series was about her.
Ariel: HAHHA you love her!!! Justice for Molly!! And Selma Blair! It’s so funny that as this series went on the more notable actors just kept dropping. In this first one Peter Gallagher plays Hardin’s dad before disappearing from all sequels due to “scheduling conflicts.” OH, and we have to acknowledge the fact that the end of this first movie hinges on a very romantic, confessional, final term paper that would, in real life, inarguably get an F.
Jaime: Ariel, you are so right, the end of the film literally hinges on this long-suffering milf English teacher being like “hey, so, your ex boyfriend handed in a love letter as his final paper…I obviously can’t do anything with this, do you want it?”
After We Fell - 2021
Jaime: Ariel hand to god I can’t remember a single thing about this movie except I think Vampire Bill ends up being his dad and then they have sex in a weight room? Not him and Vampire Bill, jesus christ, you know what I mean.
Ariel: Wait and the weight room is at her bosses house from the 2nd movie? They were staying with them for some reason? And then the dad was staying at their place? So much of this series is just deciding who stays in what apartment?
Jaime: HER BOSS IS HIS DAD!!! and HER DAD staying at their place!!!
Ariel: Holy shit i have seen all of these and cannot ever remember that HER boss turns out to be HIS dad.
After Everything - 2023
Jaime: The thing is, this isn’t an awful movie, but it does ask us to forgive Hardin for maybe the worst thing yet, an event that took place before Tessa enters the picture, and I’m sorry, but these movies are not called Before. Tessa is barely in this one for like, even a second, and Ralph Fiennes’ nephew does not have the charisma to carry a movie on his own, believe me. This movie has a very lovely performance from that girl from Sex Education, a show that too many people have told me to watch and therefore now unless Ariel sits down and puts it on in front of me I’m never going to see, but it really doesn’t feel like an After movie at all. Sad, because I think it’s the last one. Bring back Dylan Sprouse.
Ariel: This movie really feels like it doesn’t belong in this series, which against all logic is NOT A GOOD THING. Hardin turns out to have been HORRIBLE to the beautiful girl from Sex Education which is one of my favorite shows. She’s a great actress and I’m furious that they made her character forgive Hardin for releasing NSFW footage he swore he’d keep private. He did buy her a house at the end which I guess is fine, but doesn’t make me like him.
5. After Ever Happy - 2022
Jaime: Wait I barely remember this one but I do remember it was the worst one. This is the one where she moves to New York and works at the restaurant and they break up and she wears a wig. Jeeeesus, the wig. It’s just bangs, isn’t it? I feel like the wig is just bangs?
Ariel: Jaime the wig might be just bangs? I think I remember there’s like a lot of romanticizing New York City in this one? And she goes and stands and watches him read the book that he wrote about her like fake Jake Gyllenhaal in the All Too Well short film?? Oh yeah, part of this whole thing is HE writes the book called “After” about meeting her and then I guess becomes an overnight sensation? OMG wait I just remembered that the whole series is based on a game of truth or dare in the first movie?
***
“The Idea of You” comes out on Amazon Prime on May 2nd. The “After” movies are already out and available to stream if you want to feel absolutely nuts.
Thank you to Jaime who is available for any and all of your voiceover or BFF needs.
xox
Ariel
*Adds all to watchlist*